BY BOBBY KOREC | MARCH 12, 2023
LOS ANGELES — The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced that 27-year-old Timothée Chalamet will be honored with a Lifetime Achievement Award at this year’s Oscars ceremony in an effort to engage the Gen Z audience, confirmed sources who thought it was about time that happened.
“It was an extremely close call between Timothée, Zendaya, and 20-year-old Jenna Ortega,” said Bill Kramer, CEO of the Academy. “We did a recent tally of the last few dozen winners of this award, and we were absolutely shocked to find out that none of them were under the age of 65. Seems unfair to exclude eligibility based on age. If anything, we need to give Pete Davidson this award for a few consecutive years to balance things out. Plus, we’re hoping we can finally nab that precious early 20s target demographic that we’ve been hearing so much about. One could say the ceremony really did a ‘glow up’ this year and we’re ‘simping’ for Cham Cham. I think I said that right.”
Local Gen Zer Madison Weinberg couldn’t be more excited about the announcement.
“As someone who’s seen almost all of Timothée’s appearances on websites that talk about his dating history, I’m very proud of him,” said Weinberg without so much as breaking eye contact with TikTok. “After all, it’s a ‘lifetime’ achievement award. Why give it to someone who’s over the age of 30? That’s when life literally ends. Either way, I’m still not going to be watching the Oscars. Mostly because I haven’t even heard of a large percentage of these people that were nominated. Like, who the hell is Steven Spielberg?”
Chalamet appeared somewhat surprised by the decision.
“Seems like only a few years ago I did my first movie in 2014,” said the “Dune” actor who’s coincidentally also been nominated for “most pinchable cheeks” by grandmothers around the country. “You know, when I was young, everyone around me said I had a certain ‘it’ factor. Only they called it a ‘nepo’ factor. I don’t know what that means, but I guess I can chalk up this entire achievement to whatever that is. Thanks, nepo!”
At press time, the Academy further turned heads after announcing that 24-year-old YouTube star MrBeast will be nominated for several awards, including Best Documentary (Short Subject) and a new category called Best Vibes.
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